'was it hard enough? If you think i dint work har...

'Questions i hate "Are you happy working here?" "...

`Lost my phone seriously im in no mood to dictate...

`Resolutions? ahha! continuing this title that i ...

`What I really want I suppose every time when it ...

`Disappearance I wanna just try and disappear for...

`Dream today i slept way over my alarm cos im pon...

`Conclusion im actually quite happy that im kind ...

`Time Time is all it takes to see if things are r...

`Phone Calls there's always some calls that we pr...

'was it hard enough?

If you think i dint work hard enough, you will see me jumping down the next moment. Never once have i tot to myself that life can be this hard, i wanna suicide. Becos of my love for my family, i would never have the mentality to really jump. But what im facing now, makes me feel and believe that its ok to say goodbye. Forever.

Playing the same old ship sank game, playing ur favoritism and saving those you love. The priorities never changed. Rather.. It surprises me how little i care about people arnd me. I have played the same mini version of the game before. Last year. When i took up this road that i shouldn't have in the very first place. I purposely dint text anybody for that whole week and nobody bothered except by chance someone texted me first. I am so insignificant that no one wanted to chat wif me despite holiday. I guessed that was when i felt. I dont need friends anymore. No one knew i was going through this course. No one knew i took up this career. No one asked. No one bothered. For instance to know that im not ok, its that i have disappeared frm twitter. Which hardly happens that i dont tweet for one whole week unless without Internet connection aka overseas.

Maybe this time i shall do it agn. For five months this time. No whatsapp, no line, no twitter, no facebook, dont even pickup calls. Just disappear frm everywhere traceable. Hais but theres exception of cos, i cant run away frm work and my family.

I dont think im going through depression, despite having suicidal thoughts. Cos i have no problems eating, shitting, sleeping and doing all other things to survive as human. When u read about the courts of hell (typical chinese), i wonder how much does it hurt when u alr died physically and what the punishments are actually doing on your soul. U dont feel physical pain as u left ur body on earth, but what really, is causing the pain?

Im actually feeling stupid to go arnd telling ppl that the amt of stress im facing now equates to me jumping off a building. My thoughts are "if u dont believe, i will do it to prove u wrong". Which is pretty stupid. At the same time, im implanting this seed of guilt into you for not helping me during my tough times. Which is utterly ugly and selfish.

Since young, i have never believed in happiness bought by money. Having alot of money makes you happy but not contented. The happiness i sought for, its not of monetary value.

As much as i wan ppl to read my blog, i dont want to disclose it jus like tt. Its not on private, neither will i tell u the address.

'Questions i hate

"Are you happy working here?" "If you are not, you shouldnt be here." kns lor. I not happy also need to work here wad. Kns srsly. Its a super stressful job and i absolutely hate failures. I dont want to be labelled as 'someone who cant do it'. Thats my ego and i hate it when people poke into it. Kns. I wonder why I dint see this as a mentally threatening job when i first signed up? Because that wasnt my motive! I dint want to be a sales person, i only wanted to get paid from the studying and clearing my three appointments and purchasing them for my family. Even though that may sound just like an excuse. But now, all my brain wants is just to run away from the job and super negatively urged me to think of extreme way of running away from reality.

"What do you want for your future?" fuck this. Im NOT money-driven even though i like being rich. I just freaking want a simple life! To stay close to my family members and build one myself. I think going through the simplest life cycle is what depicts LIFE. I can dont travel even after seeing that all that TV promoting tourism. Becos Thats just freaking few seconds of scenery and.. Thats it! End. No more. Wad next.

Anyway i guess this has taught me that there's no half-halfs. Not everyone can excel at two things at the same time. You have to choose. And life is full of choices. Freak that srsly. Born as a libra is the worse at decision making.

And the second thing is that i hate responsibilities. I mean its not a good natured person shld say. But as the eldest, im naturally placed with more responsibility that i dint want to carry. And that face reading i had when im just a baby, makes it so much worse. Im directly and indirectly placed with financial burdens! It makes me have so much worry about whether i can earn enof to support my family and my unreliable brother. Its not that i wan to be unfilial, but that amt of stress and responsibilities! I just want to live in a cave. Live in a mountain without animals just plants. I dont need to have social contact and all i need to worry is my plants aka food source.

I wanna visit bermuda triangle and just vanish.

`Lost my phone

seriously im in no mood to dictate this. penang trip i soaked my note 5 in water. now after my taiwan trip i lost my freaking phone and all my photos havent been sync to laptop. i love my note 5 but i guess i've been cursed lor. i love samsung's planner and basically record all the details in it, but now i've lost it and all the precious moments. crying so hard just imagining the phone going into the incinerator. i feel like slapping myself for not checking more thoroughly last night the moment i know its gone. stupid me shldnt hav slept before actually finding the phone. now everything to me is just blurry and even though coming back frm a trip doesnt make me feel any happier.

i shall roughly take some notes down before officially forgetting every last bits of memory because of my note 5.

Day1- arrived, fetched and slept. went to register for free data plan worth of 7days per passport! shiok~ no need to even purchase sim card. woots! went to taipei che zhan to make easycard and shopped anime stuffs in the underground street. ate some set meals at the foodcourt, went back to supermarket to buy some maggie mee.

Day2- dad leg pain, went for massage at carrefour (deng shi fu), doesnt really help for me but still went to ximending for ah zhong mian xian, some braised meat and milktea. bought a hairpin and broke it that very day. went shilin after that. ate the cheese potato (not nice der) and played some guns shooting game and won the pirate barrel (cost me $4) cheapo and lousy lor. wanted to play the darts game and some kns uncle refuse to let me change to doraemon after spending like 200NTD, he say its cost price is 500NTD and keep saying to spend 200NTD more, whether i hit or never hit he will give it to me, the doraemon. wtf? he math fail ah? 400NTD for doraemon means its cost price is lower la! u think i noob ah. i refused so i swapped our scores (4-bro, 5-me, 7-dad) for 3plushies to give ppl. cos we were early, theres stalls still not set up yet. walked by another darts throwing game and saw the duckie we wanted. owner convinced us that hers is close distance and to get 6/8 for girls and 7/8 for guys to win ANY plush toy. convinced my pro dad to shoot it for me and he succeed! with 1dart hitting 2balloons dam heng! walked pass another one with could win figurines and wanted dad to win it for us XD sadly, the darts were twerked and the owner put freaking strong fan to blow the board -_- kns. wasted 400NTD here but its fine la. one of the stalls super funny when he saw me hugging my duck. he say urs too small la. come play i give u big big ones. HAHHAA! what a clever way to get business. it keeps pouring so we head back home. and dad went to see chinese doctor.

Day3- dad go see doctor again cause it got worse. its not the leg but the waist now. after that went home and only left at 3pm. went to escape room and payed 1998NTD for the whole session. freaking EX TMD. its freaking hard and the props were not that welldone. (room1-screen monitor identify objects, counting hands and legs, mathematical eqn to form the word DISNEY.. room2- roman number photographs, numbered photo strips, counting of stations, converting station name to number code). bought some 390NTD umbrellas and ate some noodles.

Day4-went to danshui and ate ahpo tie dan, zha hua zhi and attempted to walk to yu ren ma tou. stopped by some italian restaurant and the food was SUPER LARGE SERVING and TASTY TOO. rare gem find. haha then went to hong mao guan to see see look look wanted to go to the university where jaychou shot his secret movie but never really go and find it. went back and took a bus to the train station. walked to the store we bought jiangmucha and bought some yu shu. mom bought me a shirt which freaking cost $33! walao so ex for something so simple. tried to go beitou to soak the feet but were too late, closes at 6pm.

Day5-went to the zoo but never go in, took the cable car for fun instead (120NTD to final station) walked abit and ate at some restaurant, not exactly nice but got a taste of wild plants. quite ex also. started to drizzle when we are done and the cable car stopped service! how to get down the mountain?! luckily they got arrange shuttle bus service FOC one to get back to the train station. went to beitou again to see the outdoor spring which only costs 40NTD per person. paid and went in to buy a swimming costume, chose the simplest one cos i cant go into the water la. sad. tbh its like a swimming pool just with hot water. the shower rooms were freaking cold water also. went back dapinglin to grab dinner and ji pai.

Day6-booked host's service and went to miaoli, sadly the museum close! WTF on a monday?! went to some sky walk and enjoyed a lil forestry walk to some bridge and gave up going in further. cos we r lazy to walk LOLOL~ its a nice mountain top view. went to some restaurant at ke jia da yuan. food cheap but my ahma cook nicer LOL~ its a big garden and a small museum to showcase some hakka culture. went to shenxiangu after that. freaking looooong mountain trail and saw the nice scenery of a small waterfall? the actual one was blocked by the stupid restaurant and need u to pay 100NTD to see. went to nanzhuang after that but no stores were open?! srsly wts is wrong with mondays lol went back to near host's house to eat dinner. quite cheap and tasty but very salty.

Day7-followed host's recommendation and went to shifen to see waterfall. its magestic and cost free. recommended! then went to see the train railway where its famous to put kongmingdeng. err srsly buy the non-led kongmingdeng here better. 250NTD for 6 of them. i actually saw an actor which i cannot rmb his name but im guessing its xiao gui. from the way he siam my eye contact twice i guess he is an actor with the smooth skin and that fashion sense. sad that i couldnt get mom/bro to see him before he disappear somewhere to double confirm. went to jiufen after NOT putting kongmingdeng despite its famous for it LOL~~ my fam is unique haha! walked through the streets and ate lai ah po fen yuan, hot one taste nicer! ate some fishball soups which is just so-so. then bought yi kou su that only this place sells! its very nice!! but shatters easily, please hand-carry back to ur country lol. bought some small gifts too. went to mao chun to see some cats but they were all hiding! LOL then host ask us go where else actually i know 8hr is up alr, he could hav charged us more. oh well still suggested to go raohe ye shi just to see see. it started pouring very heavily! kns then managed to buy another hairclip, some food and 2 piece of clothes for myself. saw li juan coincidentally haha what fate! quickly went back and were almost drenched alr.

Day8-host brought us to the famous yong he dou jiang, which is just charcoal smell soyabean. ate some of their local dimsum stuff and had to visit the toilet at the airport after that wts. bought alot of food with our remaining money and freak it should have bought more luggage weight. hais too noob. bo bian. then home sweet home.

`Resolutions?

ahha! continuing this title that i tot of long ago instead of watching my recorded.. whoops.. its the start of 2016 and probably the last year i will be in NTU for attending classes.. oh well.. i shall skip the resolutions coz it never works.. LOL~jk. for now.. i guess these are a few things that i wanna do this year..

2016:
-study hard for the last time
-slim down and keep fit (goal:45)
-get a driving license by this year
-salvage my friendships with the different people who still bother to meet up (((: u guys are da best!
-do as much crazy stuff as i can even if i need to step out of my comfort zone

well.. they are easy said than done.. but for this year i wanna keep my behaviour in check.. not too fakely nice.. cos im evil most of the time.. and not to throw my temper so often.. well.. the penang trip with exo was pretty awesome though i might have disgraced myself in front of others.. but thats really me.. i think im sort of barbaric towards people arnd me so yea.. needa change that then.. i hope they can see my soft-heartedness behind all my harsh words but usually people dont.. so i have to change that lol..

it is really fun to see things go with the itinerary but somehow i dun like it when it doesnt stick to the plans.. ): becos im not tht flexible LOL.. well.. i saw stuff i wanna see, dint really ate good food but well at least that was made up with the chendol and laksa on the last day :d yums! even though i cant change people's views of me but i hope they still invite me for future trips.. which also implies that they accept me for who im ^^ yay!

i had been voicing out alot more of my opinions than before.. but somehow they always make the situation negative.. hmm.. i really need to brush up my skills on eq and keep speak appropriately hahas..

Day 0: touch down
walked far to dk wad hawker for dinz and came bk wif phone dead T_T bathed and went for macs supper.. maybe i was showing my attitude but guys please get used to my default resting bitch face plus my note5 jus died on me like that sobs.. while they learn how to play bridge, im crying upstairs over my phone T_T its supposed to be a secret cos idw anyone to see me cry, it makes me weaker.. i sang alone in the dark while laughters are the loudest downstairs to get rid of my tears and weird nasal sounds after crying.. i still spoke with the weird sound when they came up to sleep though.. even though i dint feel i cried enough to feel better i still slept thru the night.. sleeping really makes me feel better though.. and telling urself u cant change fact tht ur phone died on u. can do nothing except accepting it..

Day1: Kek lok si
ate lao su fen at bkf place jus downstairs of our apartment.. then took bus 12 to komtar and 203 to kek lok si.. walked backwards for sister's curry mee that surprisingly is filled with pig's organs O_O lol~ dint finish it cos its nt very nice.. the ahma was cute though.. walked up a long stairway bought fan and selfie stick XD then went to pray sincerely for good health and safety and for my phone to wake up LOL.. attempted to find ice kachang but couldnt and its alr burning hot in the noon.. hobo at the indian store while waiting for bus to penang hill.. and then the driver told us its under reno.. LOL suay? took some other buses back to komtar and went to walk arnd the komtar area.. ate some chendol and ice kachang then drank white kopi that tasted jus like instant ones.. lmao.. slacked and walk arnd the malls.. stoning most of the time cos im tired.. lol.. played bridge at night and couldnt sleep cos i kept dreaming bout it omg..

Day2: Tropical fruit farm & escape
ate wanton mee for bkf then met taxi uncle for our fruit farm :) wah i really liked the tourguide for the farm trip until the other grp joined up wif us to share the same tourguide D: sianned.. well its not that bad a tour.. just that i have seen most of the trees before lol.. so its not at all enticing for me.. the fruits buffet wasnt so bad and i love jackfruit omg~ yums! took a lousy photo of the reservoir LOL but thanks taxi uncle.. he really is kinda friendly.. maybe im just disgraced by the fact that he couldnt speak chinese >.> hmm much stereotype oops.. wah escape was fun!!! SUPER FUN! until the point i got stucked on the flying fox booo... omg im really scared T_T but if i can go again. YES PLS! i really like high element stuffs like this YAY! ^^ its funny to see all our shag face after escape and ate at the hawker that made business frm angmos omg~ like kanna chopped off RM180 for jus prawns and squids and 3 oysters. well wadever.. took bus to batu ferringhi night market.. hmm many repeated stores lol tbh.. i wanted to see the market for experience but apparently most of them jus wanted to go home ): did i make a wrong choice agn? the guys enjoyed it though.. >< ah well.. went home after that for mask session HAHA apparently i fell asleep after the comfortness HAHA..

Day3: Bak kut teh (failed)
wanted to eat carnation but.. it dint open! SOBS T_T ate the bak kut teh king instead.. the food smelt excellent but i could tell the cook dint placed in extra ingredients as listed.. and it was super sweet! when i licked the insides of my mouth.. all i taste was sweetness.. idk if thats the indication of msg.. hmm.. met alice's aunt and her friend.. both were very nice old ladies that spoke great english wow im impressed.. went to chew jetty and nua-ed there... compare to kukup.. i like kukup better XD went to hunt for street arts and ate some stuff along the way.. ice cream mochi! hmm i wanted to find that boy boy hehe so even though we finished walking the street we went just to search for it.. coconut ice cream wasnt so bad.. ball of ice was normal lol~ then walked to buy my dou sa pia YAY! ^^ then to find our chendol.. but it closed! T.T much suayness for a day.. then went somewhere else to eat as dinz.. took bus 303 to realise that the other hawker store has alot more fascinating food! OMG.. apparently wanted to bathe and come down agn for supperz.. this day i got alot of anger frm playing asshole by becoming a real asshole omg.. i threw my temper and immediately regretted it.. T_T sobs.. no use crying over spilled milk.. changed game as it turned sour cos of my stupid temper.. but surprisingly everyone got happy agn ^^ yay! haha the forfeit game is so strong kelvin became a limelight hero omg.. hahaha he actually agreed to do the punishment wif me ahhaha and swapped tshirts wif me lol~

Day4: Chendol FINALLY!
my phone woke up! and this started my great day ahead! XD i still wore bk the shirt kelvin wear because i have nothing to hide.. its my tshirt afterall.. lol the famous chendol is famous for a reason.. its really nice! and the laksa taste superrrr awesome! really satisfied wif food! YUMMY!! another great stuff.. hehe went bk to pack and selfie with my awesome note 5! luv ya! thanks for waking up hehe ^^ sentimental much we all went home..

Friday i woke up feeling so different that the ceiling is not the one in the apartment.. looked back at the pictures its really different for pictures that im genuinely happy and those i faked a smile.. really need to practice my selfie skills though.. i also want to look good in pictures ok XD

i regret i cant take pictures on the trip but others captured most of my truly genuine feelings in it.
i apologise for throwing my temper and my bad behaviour.
im glad i have showed much of me to friends i wanna treasure.
i might have been forceful to visit certain places cos i think i researched too much and have expectations.
lastly, please invite me to future trips again! :) just making reasons for myself.. but isnt it more fun to have someone who are less flexible and temperamental in a group? HAHAHAHA.

`What I really want

I suppose every time when it comes to holiday i tend to think of these.. esp when theres too much time to do reflection lol. watching this lousy lazy art anime, i find some similarities of me actually wanted to be like the heroine.. good in studies, good in sports, being relied on, loved by teachers, being popular..

I wanted to be bathed in praises and in limelight.. but i wasnt such a person.. i wanted to be like one but i dont hav enough motivation.. i have no idea wads stopping me from doing it.. im always afraid of being judged esp by my family.. when i wan to start exercising they go like lol. then within that very week i will feel so stressed to continue it.. i really dont find joy in being someone who does nt fit in my family's eyes..

my family is my greatest joy as well as my greatest stress.. it feels like everything needs to be approved by them.. though they dont restrict my choices but at the same time u dont feel the support enough.. but.. those are just excuses.. if i really want to be the strong and reliable self.. the change starts within me..

recently im studying.. even during vacation? yes. lol. but im being paid to study! thats the most fun part isnt it xD being paid to study is such a great thing.. but its so sad im not granted scholarship in school ): booo

next acad year im going to wear my mask for everything i do and participate in more events than ever.. this time im going to wear that mask happily.. to be bathed in limelight.. its almost the last time i can do it in school.. when i step out into the industry.. another mask of me will appear.. of course.. i will still be myself and complain and make the ugliest face with my closest frens.. its like a stress relief channel..

im trying out a different career path and have no idea if i will actually like this.. talking to new persons everyday sounds so fun.. but a part of me also wants a easy way out.. jus a simple 9-5 salary job.. no material needs.. no need to travel.. i can handle boredom.. it doesnt matter where and what u do.. to me the most important is who u are with.. and doing the most boring thing together..

i dont have tastebud for good food and dont know wads good.. to me as long as there is taste or rather if it is sweet, its good food.. lol.. i can only tell the diff if i like the coffee.. if it is food i can eat everyday..

its useless to keep thinking of how much i hate dealing with people but i want to learn and appreciate it.. fall in love with it.. i think i have that talent though.. to love something that i dont really like to perform well in it.. so i shall start by learning to like this industry.. if i cant perform means i dont hav it in me doesnt it.. charisma.. im training to get it as my additional weapon.. i believe i can do it..

im really my quarter life or maybe already in it.. its where i shld start trying to be serious for life.. spend another 25years working hard and earn.. thats if im alone.. the current me doesnt worry about my other half.. i sometimes doubt my ability to love someone else.. lol because i dont hav the heart beat feeling wif almost all the guys i met in uni.. the very first fast beat is only because im shy.. as we get more used to one another theres no more heart beat.. tts y i doubt if i can love.. i will conclude myself as not liking this person to proceed further..

oh well.. for now i shall try my best in this industry to know if i want to continue.. i know definitely that im money driven.. however, if i cant perform then i will jus stick to the less stress 9-5 job then ^^ im glad that i went for lessons alone last sem.. it gives me another form of courage and another hurdle to show that i can overcome it.. good luck to myself and jiayou!!

`Disappearance

I wanna just try and disappear for a week.. cos im feeling really needy and negative now that mp is "ignoring" me.. i know she isnt.. just too busy with her stuff.. but im really bored.. cos i cant get a job and had been rotting for two weeks alr..

I tried to get myself addicted to games again.. but it didnt work.. and i recalled how much i love logging on to maple and playing it every single day.. but today.. half an hour of a game i used to love is enough to make me sick of it.. is it because i stopped gaming for maybe about 3years? im not sure.. but i really enjoyed chatting with my online frens and doing stupid shit tgt.. now that my graphics card is spoiled and i cant really play a game on my laptop now.. maybe its a good thing.

So for the past 3years i've been hooked on animes.. i think thats when i started my very first anime Maid-sama.. its really nice and usui is like the hottest guy ever! but recently im kinda sick of anime alr.. i loved one piece because i can watch the series nonstop! but when i chased it so hard till now i have to wait weekly for one short 15min episode.. nahh im going to let it pile up..

So now im stuck.. fb twitter instagram fb twitter insta.. theres like nothing to do and im very bored.. i start thinking how useless im.. how fren-less.. u know this fren-less issue might just be my negativity that im so lousy that i dont have much frens to talk with.. but given my alr quiet nature.. its very hard to keep a convo going on and on.. im still greedy and hope i have many frens but im happy and contented that some still stick arnd me.. maybe our 'clique' wasnt quite one to begin with.. more like convenient frens and jus nice to eat tgt sit tgt attend lessons tgt.. but i would also say being with a silent gang is very comfy.. i dont feel awkward and can do wadever we want.. jus maybe no more playing cards cos here is uni. haha.

ah yes so my phone is really lying there and no one will call or even text me lol its q pathetic in the sense of social life.. but when i look at my mom and dad.. they have us as company and we have them.. i dont see wads wrong in having such a close and happy family but.. at this age i start to worry about leaving them and setting up my own.. with no one in my sight.. and no one to talk to w/o feeling like a nuisance/burden.. im drowning in my negativity..

i know its never too old to make a change or to adapt.. when i thought of how foolish i was to not think of these frens are frens of convenience or wad not.. i realise i dint put in effort to make them my frens.. cos i tot once frens is forever frens.. bonds are such easily broken when u move from one phase to another.. just by changing your sch.. changing ur schedule.. and 'pak' just grew apart..

so this week im going to do an experiment.. no matter who text me or find me i will not reply.. i will not go onto facebook or whatsapp cos i wanna completely disappear from my closest frens.. and non-contactable.. take time off and do stuffs i want to do.. inculcate my hobby, do something for myself.. and to adapt to the me i was before.. idk how i did it but i managed to continue to be not so sociable and people still accept me.. or maybe not.. cos im not a fun person.. haha..

i need to stop being jealous of so many little things and try so hard to meet with other people.. tell/update them my stories and depend on them to make an effort for me.. because my life.. as boring as it already is requires no update? i dont have a very fulfilling life to brag about.. nor are my interests so significant to share about.. or do i read alot to do story telling.. or keep myself on the news to talk about them.. its just the me scrolling facebook, twitter and instagram, watching anime learning nothing at all each and everyday repeatedly..

`Dream

today i slept way over my alarm cos im pon-ing sch today :3 also because of the alarm it makes me half awake to remember wad a sweet dream i had this morning..

in my dream i work under this boss, did my work to fend off some hooligans which in return offended them.. the next moment i was in the car using some thick beige stockings tied to the hand holder at the top.. to cover my face so no one would see me when peeping inside the car frm the window at the back of the car 90 degrees of my left.. i was using my phone, pissed after getting a scolding frm boss despite fending off the hooligans.. some how a few ppl with baseball bats passed the car frm wad i saw frm the tip of my eye.. instinctively i grabbed hold of the stocking and pulled it to my face while maintaining the cool to be sort of lying on it to hide my intention that i actually wanted to meet no one.. however one of the men caught me in action, he quickly informed his leader and the next moment, they surrounded the vehicle.. knowing that i have no escape i opened the window slightly when the leader knocked on the window asking yes? wad do u wan with me? becos im already in a bad mood, i didnt care wad he was to do.. he pushed his head in and said egg bomb and threw several eggs into the car and started laughing hysterically.. some of the eggs splashed onto my face.. annoyed i used my left hand to wipe it off my face and cleaned it on his face.. obviously it angered him and his subordinates  came into the car.. 2 guys pinned on me expecting to have some fun.. i said to them jus kill me with a very cold expression and eyes that no longer sparkle.. saying that i pulled on my own necklace.. the guy on the left seem to have a higher authority while the right guy looked at him puzzled.. he shook his head to the guy instructing that this is no fun and no point to continue.. he then turned and looked at me: ' ni yi ding yao zhe yang ma' (translate:must you be like this?).. i told him im alr in a foul mood and turned my face away.. my body gesture told him that im sick of life and had basically switched off all my emotions to even feel if harm was done to me..

soon after, the guy who was instructed by him had alr left the car to inform their leader.. i watched his leader come back and told the guy to leave the car and join back his leader.. the guy didnt leave instead he drove the car off.. the guy became my collegue in the next scene (somehow it just happened.. its a dream so it cant be explained).. i said i need to clean this car now its the boss's car.. we drove to a 'car washing' village.. lol.. colorful row of buildings, each unit with a single color of the rainbow.. the shops that were open charges car washing like sky-high prices so i wanted a unit with free water to use.. just a turn and it appeared, colored in green with a gigantic wheel to turn for water.. soon enough, the car was cleaned.. thoroughly.. inside and outside..

the scene quickly followed in the next day when boss was driving, me in the front seat and the guy colleague at the back seat.. boss noted the car was very clean and asked for the price of car washing.. added he said jokingly he would give a hundred dollar for such a clean service.. my mood was still foul even sitting in the car.. the same feeling as yesterday.. to clean this much for a hundred not worth it.. also at the very end it is hinted that i was a strong, confident and successful woman who have clinched several good deals for the company.. it also showed that i had never showed my weakness to people in the company which is why im single..

and then i woke up..

to many this may not sound like a good dream at all.. yes indeed.. but just recalling how the guy showed his care even in my lousiest mood, shunned with my cold face, excluded by my strong and high self-esteem exterior, he stood by me and saw through my eyes that has given up on the world..

it seems close to wad im feeling now.. why am i studying so hard.. why am i born into this world.. yes i have to do good to the society but im not that noble.. yes i want to go to heavens after i die.. if recognizing that i have no ability to do good to the world, i will do good to my family and those close to me.. but how can i achieve that frm good grades? no, study is not the answer to that..then what is my purpose in life and what do i really want?

it seems that when i ponder about my existence, i will dream about love.. someone who would shower me with love.. someone i can be with for the rest of my life when my parents are gone.. as i age and the longer i ve never been in an r/s the more i tend to think of desperateness faced in single-hood..

this dream exactly pinpoints my ideal, his face is vague because i havent met this person in my 'awake' life.. he accepts my strong character that i put upfront when im with people of the outside world, never showing a hint of weakness.. but to him i can show him my weakness.. and he dont want others to see the weak me either, only he will have this right to comfort my weak self.. which makes it special.. wad im to him.. and wad he is to me.. "your tears are to be seen by me and only me"..

that is the characteristic i wan to find in my SO, in front of others he is strong and mighty, only i will and can comfort his weaker self.. both of us are independent and both of us rely on each other to cover our weakness.. sounds fantastic right? :) it'd be good if i find him..

for some time now.. several frens have told me that i lack feminism.. i dont ask for help frm guys to carry heavy stuffs for me using my female charms and also to give them an opening to 'act heroic'.. i know how useful it is for a woman to just ask gently and charm others.. but thats not wad i wan.. carrying heavy stuffs can be done by woman as well.. if they are gentlemen they will come and help and not just for a 'heroic' act.. im brought up to be independent, thinking that woman can do as much as a men.. in fact we can, but there are still many biasness that we cant change in the world.. but for such simple tasks.. girls can be just as strong.. so im often defined as 'not cute' girl just becos i dont behave like little girls who asks for help.

hence, i have decided that if i were to be in a r/s i would only show my weakness and such female charms to him only.. becos of my strong and dull exterior, i dont have much suitors which im perfectly fine with.. i dont need people who are only attracted by the fake me when i start to use these charms.. i want people who genuinely accept the me that i put up: a strong and independent woman..

Bohyi
`FemaLe
`18 oCT

LoVes
`DoReamon
`CoLouRs
`Soft Toys
`AniMes

FoRgotten WiShes
`My own RoOm
`EaRn MORE Money
`MORE dORaeMon items
`MORE T-shirTs
`MORE AniMe IteMs

HateS
`Being pushed around
`Choosing sides
`Exams
`Insects
`Left alone

'was it hard enough?

If you think i dint work hard enough, you will see me jumping down the next moment. Never once have i tot to myself that life can be this hard, i wanna suicide. Becos of my love for my family, i would never have the mentality to really jump. But what im facing now, makes me feel and believe that its ok to say goodbye. Forever.

Playing the same old ship sank game, playing ur favoritism and saving those you love. The priorities never changed. Rather.. It surprises me how little i care about people arnd me. I have played the same mini version of the game before. Last year. When i took up this road that i shouldn't have in the very first place. I purposely dint text anybody for that whole week and nobody bothered except by chance someone texted me first. I am so insignificant that no one wanted to chat wif me despite holiday. I guessed that was when i felt. I dont need friends anymore. No one knew i was going through this course. No one knew i took up this career. No one asked. No one bothered. For instance to know that im not ok, its that i have disappeared frm twitter. Which hardly happens that i dont tweet for one whole week unless without Internet connection aka overseas.

Maybe this time i shall do it agn. For five months this time. No whatsapp, no line, no twitter, no facebook, dont even pickup calls. Just disappear frm everywhere traceable. Hais but theres exception of cos, i cant run away frm work and my family.

I dont think im going through depression, despite having suicidal thoughts. Cos i have no problems eating, shitting, sleeping and doing all other things to survive as human. When u read about the courts of hell (typical chinese), i wonder how much does it hurt when u alr died physically and what the punishments are actually doing on your soul. U dont feel physical pain as u left ur body on earth, but what really, is causing the pain?

Im actually feeling stupid to go arnd telling ppl that the amt of stress im facing now equates to me jumping off a building. My thoughts are "if u dont believe, i will do it to prove u wrong". Which is pretty stupid. At the same time, im implanting this seed of guilt into you for not helping me during my tough times. Which is utterly ugly and selfish.

Since young, i have never believed in happiness bought by money. Having alot of money makes you happy but not contented. The happiness i sought for, its not of monetary value.

As much as i wan ppl to read my blog, i dont want to disclose it jus like tt. Its not on private, neither will i tell u the address.

'Questions i hate

"Are you happy working here?" "If you are not, you shouldnt be here." kns lor. I not happy also need to work here wad. Kns srsly. Its a super stressful job and i absolutely hate failures. I dont want to be labelled as 'someone who cant do it'. Thats my ego and i hate it when people poke into it. Kns. I wonder why I dint see this as a mentally threatening job when i first signed up? Because that wasnt my motive! I dint want to be a sales person, i only wanted to get paid from the studying and clearing my three appointments and purchasing them for my family. Even though that may sound just like an excuse. But now, all my brain wants is just to run away from the job and super negatively urged me to think of extreme way of running away from reality.

"What do you want for your future?" fuck this. Im NOT money-driven even though i like being rich. I just freaking want a simple life! To stay close to my family members and build one myself. I think going through the simplest life cycle is what depicts LIFE. I can dont travel even after seeing that all that TV promoting tourism. Becos Thats just freaking few seconds of scenery and.. Thats it! End. No more. Wad next.

Anyway i guess this has taught me that there's no half-halfs. Not everyone can excel at two things at the same time. You have to choose. And life is full of choices. Freak that srsly. Born as a libra is the worse at decision making.

And the second thing is that i hate responsibilities. I mean its not a good natured person shld say. But as the eldest, im naturally placed with more responsibility that i dint want to carry. And that face reading i had when im just a baby, makes it so much worse. Im directly and indirectly placed with financial burdens! It makes me have so much worry about whether i can earn enof to support my family and my unreliable brother. Its not that i wan to be unfilial, but that amt of stress and responsibilities! I just want to live in a cave. Live in a mountain without animals just plants. I dont need to have social contact and all i need to worry is my plants aka food source.

I wanna visit bermuda triangle and just vanish.

`Lost my phone

seriously im in no mood to dictate this. penang trip i soaked my note 5 in water. now after my taiwan trip i lost my freaking phone and all my photos havent been sync to laptop. i love my note 5 but i guess i've been cursed lor. i love samsung's planner and basically record all the details in it, but now i've lost it and all the precious moments. crying so hard just imagining the phone going into the incinerator. i feel like slapping myself for not checking more thoroughly last night the moment i know its gone. stupid me shldnt hav slept before actually finding the phone. now everything to me is just blurry and even though coming back frm a trip doesnt make me feel any happier.

i shall roughly take some notes down before officially forgetting every last bits of memory because of my note 5.

Day1- arrived, fetched and slept. went to register for free data plan worth of 7days per passport! shiok~ no need to even purchase sim card. woots! went to taipei che zhan to make easycard and shopped anime stuffs in the underground street. ate some set meals at the foodcourt, went back to supermarket to buy some maggie mee.

Day2- dad leg pain, went for massage at carrefour (deng shi fu), doesnt really help for me but still went to ximending for ah zhong mian xian, some braised meat and milktea. bought a hairpin and broke it that very day. went shilin after that. ate the cheese potato (not nice der) and played some guns shooting game and won the pirate barrel (cost me $4) cheapo and lousy lor. wanted to play the darts game and some kns uncle refuse to let me change to doraemon after spending like 200NTD, he say its cost price is 500NTD and keep saying to spend 200NTD more, whether i hit or never hit he will give it to me, the doraemon. wtf? he math fail ah? 400NTD for doraemon means its cost price is lower la! u think i noob ah. i refused so i swapped our scores (4-bro, 5-me, 7-dad) for 3plushies to give ppl. cos we were early, theres stalls still not set up yet. walked by another darts throwing game and saw the duckie we wanted. owner convinced us that hers is close distance and to get 6/8 for girls and 7/8 for guys to win ANY plush toy. convinced my pro dad to shoot it for me and he succeed! with 1dart hitting 2balloons dam heng! walked pass another one with could win figurines and wanted dad to win it for us XD sadly, the darts were twerked and the owner put freaking strong fan to blow the board -_- kns. wasted 400NTD here but its fine la. one of the stalls super funny when he saw me hugging my duck. he say urs too small la. come play i give u big big ones. HAHHAA! what a clever way to get business. it keeps pouring so we head back home. and dad went to see chinese doctor.

Day3- dad go see doctor again cause it got worse. its not the leg but the waist now. after that went home and only left at 3pm. went to escape room and payed 1998NTD for the whole session. freaking EX TMD. its freaking hard and the props were not that welldone. (room1-screen monitor identify objects, counting hands and legs, mathematical eqn to form the word DISNEY.. room2- roman number photographs, numbered photo strips, counting of stations, converting station name to number code). bought some 390NTD umbrellas and ate some noodles.

Day4-went to danshui and ate ahpo tie dan, zha hua zhi and attempted to walk to yu ren ma tou. stopped by some italian restaurant and the food was SUPER LARGE SERVING and TASTY TOO. rare gem find. haha then went to hong mao guan to see see look look wanted to go to the university where jaychou shot his secret movie but never really go and find it. went back and took a bus to the train station. walked to the store we bought jiangmucha and bought some yu shu. mom bought me a shirt which freaking cost $33! walao so ex for something so simple. tried to go beitou to soak the feet but were too late, closes at 6pm.

Day5-went to the zoo but never go in, took the cable car for fun instead (120NTD to final station) walked abit and ate at some restaurant, not exactly nice but got a taste of wild plants. quite ex also. started to drizzle when we are done and the cable car stopped service! how to get down the mountain?! luckily they got arrange shuttle bus service FOC one to get back to the train station. went to beitou again to see the outdoor spring which only costs 40NTD per person. paid and went in to buy a swimming costume, chose the simplest one cos i cant go into the water la. sad. tbh its like a swimming pool just with hot water. the shower rooms were freaking cold water also. went back dapinglin to grab dinner and ji pai.

Day6-booked host's service and went to miaoli, sadly the museum close! WTF on a monday?! went to some sky walk and enjoyed a lil forestry walk to some bridge and gave up going in further. cos we r lazy to walk LOLOL~ its a nice mountain top view. went to some restaurant at ke jia da yuan. food cheap but my ahma cook nicer LOL~ its a big garden and a small museum to showcase some hakka culture. went to shenxiangu after that. freaking looooong mountain trail and saw the nice scenery of a small waterfall? the actual one was blocked by the stupid restaurant and need u to pay 100NTD to see. went to nanzhuang after that but no stores were open?! srsly wts is wrong with mondays lol went back to near host's house to eat dinner. quite cheap and tasty but very salty.

Day7-followed host's recommendation and went to shifen to see waterfall. its magestic and cost free. recommended! then went to see the train railway where its famous to put kongmingdeng. err srsly buy the non-led kongmingdeng here better. 250NTD for 6 of them. i actually saw an actor which i cannot rmb his name but im guessing its xiao gui. from the way he siam my eye contact twice i guess he is an actor with the smooth skin and that fashion sense. sad that i couldnt get mom/bro to see him before he disappear somewhere to double confirm. went to jiufen after NOT putting kongmingdeng despite its famous for it LOL~~ my fam is unique haha! walked through the streets and ate lai ah po fen yuan, hot one taste nicer! ate some fishball soups which is just so-so. then bought yi kou su that only this place sells! its very nice!! but shatters easily, please hand-carry back to ur country lol. bought some small gifts too. went to mao chun to see some cats but they were all hiding! LOL then host ask us go where else actually i know 8hr is up alr, he could hav charged us more. oh well still suggested to go raohe ye shi just to see see. it started pouring very heavily! kns then managed to buy another hairclip, some food and 2 piece of clothes for myself. saw li juan coincidentally haha what fate! quickly went back and were almost drenched alr.

Day8-host brought us to the famous yong he dou jiang, which is just charcoal smell soyabean. ate some of their local dimsum stuff and had to visit the toilet at the airport after that wts. bought alot of food with our remaining money and freak it should have bought more luggage weight. hais too noob. bo bian. then home sweet home.

`Resolutions?

ahha! continuing this title that i tot of long ago instead of watching my recorded.. whoops.. its the start of 2016 and probably the last year i will be in NTU for attending classes.. oh well.. i shall skip the resolutions coz it never works.. LOL~jk. for now.. i guess these are a few things that i wanna do this year..

2016:
-study hard for the last time
-slim down and keep fit (goal:45)
-get a driving license by this year
-salvage my friendships with the different people who still bother to meet up (((: u guys are da best!
-do as much crazy stuff as i can even if i need to step out of my comfort zone

well.. they are easy said than done.. but for this year i wanna keep my behaviour in check.. not too fakely nice.. cos im evil most of the time.. and not to throw my temper so often.. well.. the penang trip with exo was pretty awesome though i might have disgraced myself in front of others.. but thats really me.. i think im sort of barbaric towards people arnd me so yea.. needa change that then.. i hope they can see my soft-heartedness behind all my harsh words but usually people dont.. so i have to change that lol..

it is really fun to see things go with the itinerary but somehow i dun like it when it doesnt stick to the plans.. ): becos im not tht flexible LOL.. well.. i saw stuff i wanna see, dint really ate good food but well at least that was made up with the chendol and laksa on the last day :d yums! even though i cant change people's views of me but i hope they still invite me for future trips.. which also implies that they accept me for who im ^^ yay!

i had been voicing out alot more of my opinions than before.. but somehow they always make the situation negative.. hmm.. i really need to brush up my skills on eq and keep speak appropriately hahas..

Day 0: touch down
walked far to dk wad hawker for dinz and came bk wif phone dead T_T bathed and went for macs supper.. maybe i was showing my attitude but guys please get used to my default resting bitch face plus my note5 jus died on me like that sobs.. while they learn how to play bridge, im crying upstairs over my phone T_T its supposed to be a secret cos idw anyone to see me cry, it makes me weaker.. i sang alone in the dark while laughters are the loudest downstairs to get rid of my tears and weird nasal sounds after crying.. i still spoke with the weird sound when they came up to sleep though.. even though i dint feel i cried enough to feel better i still slept thru the night.. sleeping really makes me feel better though.. and telling urself u cant change fact tht ur phone died on u. can do nothing except accepting it..

Day1: Kek lok si
ate lao su fen at bkf place jus downstairs of our apartment.. then took bus 12 to komtar and 203 to kek lok si.. walked backwards for sister's curry mee that surprisingly is filled with pig's organs O_O lol~ dint finish it cos its nt very nice.. the ahma was cute though.. walked up a long stairway bought fan and selfie stick XD then went to pray sincerely for good health and safety and for my phone to wake up LOL.. attempted to find ice kachang but couldnt and its alr burning hot in the noon.. hobo at the indian store while waiting for bus to penang hill.. and then the driver told us its under reno.. LOL suay? took some other buses back to komtar and went to walk arnd the komtar area.. ate some chendol and ice kachang then drank white kopi that tasted jus like instant ones.. lmao.. slacked and walk arnd the malls.. stoning most of the time cos im tired.. lol.. played bridge at night and couldnt sleep cos i kept dreaming bout it omg..

Day2: Tropical fruit farm & escape
ate wanton mee for bkf then met taxi uncle for our fruit farm :) wah i really liked the tourguide for the farm trip until the other grp joined up wif us to share the same tourguide D: sianned.. well its not that bad a tour.. just that i have seen most of the trees before lol.. so its not at all enticing for me.. the fruits buffet wasnt so bad and i love jackfruit omg~ yums! took a lousy photo of the reservoir LOL but thanks taxi uncle.. he really is kinda friendly.. maybe im just disgraced by the fact that he couldnt speak chinese >.> hmm much stereotype oops.. wah escape was fun!!! SUPER FUN! until the point i got stucked on the flying fox booo... omg im really scared T_T but if i can go again. YES PLS! i really like high element stuffs like this YAY! ^^ its funny to see all our shag face after escape and ate at the hawker that made business frm angmos omg~ like kanna chopped off RM180 for jus prawns and squids and 3 oysters. well wadever.. took bus to batu ferringhi night market.. hmm many repeated stores lol tbh.. i wanted to see the market for experience but apparently most of them jus wanted to go home ): did i make a wrong choice agn? the guys enjoyed it though.. >< ah well.. went home after that for mask session HAHA apparently i fell asleep after the comfortness HAHA..

Day3: Bak kut teh (failed)
wanted to eat carnation but.. it dint open! SOBS T_T ate the bak kut teh king instead.. the food smelt excellent but i could tell the cook dint placed in extra ingredients as listed.. and it was super sweet! when i licked the insides of my mouth.. all i taste was sweetness.. idk if thats the indication of msg.. hmm.. met alice's aunt and her friend.. both were very nice old ladies that spoke great english wow im impressed.. went to chew jetty and nua-ed there... compare to kukup.. i like kukup better XD went to hunt for street arts and ate some stuff along the way.. ice cream mochi! hmm i wanted to find that boy boy hehe so even though we finished walking the street we went just to search for it.. coconut ice cream wasnt so bad.. ball of ice was normal lol~ then walked to buy my dou sa pia YAY! ^^ then to find our chendol.. but it closed! T.T much suayness for a day.. then went somewhere else to eat as dinz.. took bus 303 to realise that the other hawker store has alot more fascinating food! OMG.. apparently wanted to bathe and come down agn for supperz.. this day i got alot of anger frm playing asshole by becoming a real asshole omg.. i threw my temper and immediately regretted it.. T_T sobs.. no use crying over spilled milk.. changed game as it turned sour cos of my stupid temper.. but surprisingly everyone got happy agn ^^ yay! haha the forfeit game is so strong kelvin became a limelight hero omg.. hahaha he actually agreed to do the punishment wif me ahhaha and swapped tshirts wif me lol~

Day4: Chendol FINALLY!
my phone woke up! and this started my great day ahead! XD i still wore bk the shirt kelvin wear because i have nothing to hide.. its my tshirt afterall.. lol the famous chendol is famous for a reason.. its really nice! and the laksa taste superrrr awesome! really satisfied wif food! YUMMY!! another great stuff.. hehe went bk to pack and selfie with my awesome note 5! luv ya! thanks for waking up hehe ^^ sentimental much we all went home..

Friday i woke up feeling so different that the ceiling is not the one in the apartment.. looked back at the pictures its really different for pictures that im genuinely happy and those i faked a smile.. really need to practice my selfie skills though.. i also want to look good in pictures ok XD

i regret i cant take pictures on the trip but others captured most of my truly genuine feelings in it.
i apologise for throwing my temper and my bad behaviour.
im glad i have showed much of me to friends i wanna treasure.
i might have been forceful to visit certain places cos i think i researched too much and have expectations.
lastly, please invite me to future trips again! :) just making reasons for myself.. but isnt it more fun to have someone who are less flexible and temperamental in a group? HAHAHAHA.

`What I really want

I suppose every time when it comes to holiday i tend to think of these.. esp when theres too much time to do reflection lol. watching this lousy lazy art anime, i find some similarities of me actually wanted to be like the heroine.. good in studies, good in sports, being relied on, loved by teachers, being popular..

I wanted to be bathed in praises and in limelight.. but i wasnt such a person.. i wanted to be like one but i dont hav enough motivation.. i have no idea wads stopping me from doing it.. im always afraid of being judged esp by my family.. when i wan to start exercising they go like lol. then within that very week i will feel so stressed to continue it.. i really dont find joy in being someone who does nt fit in my family's eyes..

my family is my greatest joy as well as my greatest stress.. it feels like everything needs to be approved by them.. though they dont restrict my choices but at the same time u dont feel the support enough.. but.. those are just excuses.. if i really want to be the strong and reliable self.. the change starts within me..

recently im studying.. even during vacation? yes. lol. but im being paid to study! thats the most fun part isnt it xD being paid to study is such a great thing.. but its so sad im not granted scholarship in school ): booo

next acad year im going to wear my mask for everything i do and participate in more events than ever.. this time im going to wear that mask happily.. to be bathed in limelight.. its almost the last time i can do it in school.. when i step out into the industry.. another mask of me will appear.. of course.. i will still be myself and complain and make the ugliest face with my closest frens.. its like a stress relief channel..

im trying out a different career path and have no idea if i will actually like this.. talking to new persons everyday sounds so fun.. but a part of me also wants a easy way out.. jus a simple 9-5 salary job.. no material needs.. no need to travel.. i can handle boredom.. it doesnt matter where and what u do.. to me the most important is who u are with.. and doing the most boring thing together..

i dont have tastebud for good food and dont know wads good.. to me as long as there is taste or rather if it is sweet, its good food.. lol.. i can only tell the diff if i like the coffee.. if it is food i can eat everyday..

its useless to keep thinking of how much i hate dealing with people but i want to learn and appreciate it.. fall in love with it.. i think i have that talent though.. to love something that i dont really like to perform well in it.. so i shall start by learning to like this industry.. if i cant perform means i dont hav it in me doesnt it.. charisma.. im training to get it as my additional weapon.. i believe i can do it..

im really my quarter life or maybe already in it.. its where i shld start trying to be serious for life.. spend another 25years working hard and earn.. thats if im alone.. the current me doesnt worry about my other half.. i sometimes doubt my ability to love someone else.. lol because i dont hav the heart beat feeling wif almost all the guys i met in uni.. the very first fast beat is only because im shy.. as we get more used to one another theres no more heart beat.. tts y i doubt if i can love.. i will conclude myself as not liking this person to proceed further..

oh well.. for now i shall try my best in this industry to know if i want to continue.. i know definitely that im money driven.. however, if i cant perform then i will jus stick to the less stress 9-5 job then ^^ im glad that i went for lessons alone last sem.. it gives me another form of courage and another hurdle to show that i can overcome it.. good luck to myself and jiayou!!

`Disappearance

I wanna just try and disappear for a week.. cos im feeling really needy and negative now that mp is "ignoring" me.. i know she isnt.. just too busy with her stuff.. but im really bored.. cos i cant get a job and had been rotting for two weeks alr..

I tried to get myself addicted to games again.. but it didnt work.. and i recalled how much i love logging on to maple and playing it every single day.. but today.. half an hour of a game i used to love is enough to make me sick of it.. is it because i stopped gaming for maybe about 3years? im not sure.. but i really enjoyed chatting with my online frens and doing stupid shit tgt.. now that my graphics card is spoiled and i cant really play a game on my laptop now.. maybe its a good thing.

So for the past 3years i've been hooked on animes.. i think thats when i started my very first anime Maid-sama.. its really nice and usui is like the hottest guy ever! but recently im kinda sick of anime alr.. i loved one piece because i can watch the series nonstop! but when i chased it so hard till now i have to wait weekly for one short 15min episode.. nahh im going to let it pile up..

So now im stuck.. fb twitter instagram fb twitter insta.. theres like nothing to do and im very bored.. i start thinking how useless im.. how fren-less.. u know this fren-less issue might just be my negativity that im so lousy that i dont have much frens to talk with.. but given my alr quiet nature.. its very hard to keep a convo going on and on.. im still greedy and hope i have many frens but im happy and contented that some still stick arnd me.. maybe our 'clique' wasnt quite one to begin with.. more like convenient frens and jus nice to eat tgt sit tgt attend lessons tgt.. but i would also say being with a silent gang is very comfy.. i dont feel awkward and can do wadever we want.. jus maybe no more playing cards cos here is uni. haha.

ah yes so my phone is really lying there and no one will call or even text me lol its q pathetic in the sense of social life.. but when i look at my mom and dad.. they have us as company and we have them.. i dont see wads wrong in having such a close and happy family but.. at this age i start to worry about leaving them and setting up my own.. with no one in my sight.. and no one to talk to w/o feeling like a nuisance/burden.. im drowning in my negativity..

i know its never too old to make a change or to adapt.. when i thought of how foolish i was to not think of these frens are frens of convenience or wad not.. i realise i dint put in effort to make them my frens.. cos i tot once frens is forever frens.. bonds are such easily broken when u move from one phase to another.. just by changing your sch.. changing ur schedule.. and 'pak' just grew apart..

so this week im going to do an experiment.. no matter who text me or find me i will not reply.. i will not go onto facebook or whatsapp cos i wanna completely disappear from my closest frens.. and non-contactable.. take time off and do stuffs i want to do.. inculcate my hobby, do something for myself.. and to adapt to the me i was before.. idk how i did it but i managed to continue to be not so sociable and people still accept me.. or maybe not.. cos im not a fun person.. haha..

i need to stop being jealous of so many little things and try so hard to meet with other people.. tell/update them my stories and depend on them to make an effort for me.. because my life.. as boring as it already is requires no update? i dont have a very fulfilling life to brag about.. nor are my interests so significant to share about.. or do i read alot to do story telling.. or keep myself on the news to talk about them.. its just the me scrolling facebook, twitter and instagram, watching anime learning nothing at all each and everyday repeatedly..

`Dream

today i slept way over my alarm cos im pon-ing sch today :3 also because of the alarm it makes me half awake to remember wad a sweet dream i had this morning..

in my dream i work under this boss, did my work to fend off some hooligans which in return offended them.. the next moment i was in the car using some thick beige stockings tied to the hand holder at the top.. to cover my face so no one would see me when peeping inside the car frm the window at the back of the car 90 degrees of my left.. i was using my phone, pissed after getting a scolding frm boss despite fending off the hooligans.. some how a few ppl with baseball bats passed the car frm wad i saw frm the tip of my eye.. instinctively i grabbed hold of the stocking and pulled it to my face while maintaining the cool to be sort of lying on it to hide my intention that i actually wanted to meet no one.. however one of the men caught me in action, he quickly informed his leader and the next moment, they surrounded the vehicle.. knowing that i have no escape i opened the window slightly when the leader knocked on the window asking yes? wad do u wan with me? becos im already in a bad mood, i didnt care wad he was to do.. he pushed his head in and said egg bomb and threw several eggs into the car and started laughing hysterically.. some of the eggs splashed onto my face.. annoyed i used my left hand to wipe it off my face and cleaned it on his face.. obviously it angered him and his subordinates  came into the car.. 2 guys pinned on me expecting to have some fun.. i said to them jus kill me with a very cold expression and eyes that no longer sparkle.. saying that i pulled on my own necklace.. the guy on the left seem to have a higher authority while the right guy looked at him puzzled.. he shook his head to the guy instructing that this is no fun and no point to continue.. he then turned and looked at me: ' ni yi ding yao zhe yang ma' (translate:must you be like this?).. i told him im alr in a foul mood and turned my face away.. my body gesture told him that im sick of life and had basically switched off all my emotions to even feel if harm was done to me..

soon after, the guy who was instructed by him had alr left the car to inform their leader.. i watched his leader come back and told the guy to leave the car and join back his leader.. the guy didnt leave instead he drove the car off.. the guy became my collegue in the next scene (somehow it just happened.. its a dream so it cant be explained).. i said i need to clean this car now its the boss's car.. we drove to a 'car washing' village.. lol.. colorful row of buildings, each unit with a single color of the rainbow.. the shops that were open charges car washing like sky-high prices so i wanted a unit with free water to use.. just a turn and it appeared, colored in green with a gigantic wheel to turn for water.. soon enough, the car was cleaned.. thoroughly.. inside and outside..

the scene quickly followed in the next day when boss was driving, me in the front seat and the guy colleague at the back seat.. boss noted the car was very clean and asked for the price of car washing.. added he said jokingly he would give a hundred dollar for such a clean service.. my mood was still foul even sitting in the car.. the same feeling as yesterday.. to clean this much for a hundred not worth it.. also at the very end it is hinted that i was a strong, confident and successful woman who have clinched several good deals for the company.. it also showed that i had never showed my weakness to people in the company which is why im single..

and then i woke up..

to many this may not sound like a good dream at all.. yes indeed.. but just recalling how the guy showed his care even in my lousiest mood, shunned with my cold face, excluded by my strong and high self-esteem exterior, he stood by me and saw through my eyes that has given up on the world..

it seems close to wad im feeling now.. why am i studying so hard.. why am i born into this world.. yes i have to do good to the society but im not that noble.. yes i want to go to heavens after i die.. if recognizing that i have no ability to do good to the world, i will do good to my family and those close to me.. but how can i achieve that frm good grades? no, study is not the answer to that..then what is my purpose in life and what do i really want?

it seems that when i ponder about my existence, i will dream about love.. someone who would shower me with love.. someone i can be with for the rest of my life when my parents are gone.. as i age and the longer i ve never been in an r/s the more i tend to think of desperateness faced in single-hood..

this dream exactly pinpoints my ideal, his face is vague because i havent met this person in my 'awake' life.. he accepts my strong character that i put upfront when im with people of the outside world, never showing a hint of weakness.. but to him i can show him my weakness.. and he dont want others to see the weak me either, only he will have this right to comfort my weak self.. which makes it special.. wad im to him.. and wad he is to me.. "your tears are to be seen by me and only me"..

that is the characteristic i wan to find in my SO, in front of others he is strong and mighty, only i will and can comfort his weaker self.. both of us are independent and both of us rely on each other to cover our weakness.. sounds fantastic right? :) it'd be good if i find him..

for some time now.. several frens have told me that i lack feminism.. i dont ask for help frm guys to carry heavy stuffs for me using my female charms and also to give them an opening to 'act heroic'.. i know how useful it is for a woman to just ask gently and charm others.. but thats not wad i wan.. carrying heavy stuffs can be done by woman as well.. if they are gentlemen they will come and help and not just for a 'heroic' act.. im brought up to be independent, thinking that woman can do as much as a men.. in fact we can, but there are still many biasness that we cant change in the world.. but for such simple tasks.. girls can be just as strong.. so im often defined as 'not cute' girl just becos i dont behave like little girls who asks for help.

hence, i have decided that if i were to be in a r/s i would only show my weakness and such female charms to him only.. becos of my strong and dull exterior, i dont have much suitors which im perfectly fine with.. i dont need people who are only attracted by the fake me when i start to use these charms.. i want people who genuinely accept the me that i put up: a strong and independent woman..